The Box (Episode 1)

Isioma and Emeka’s wedding was the talk of the town. Weeks had gone by and it remained on the lips of people that were not even present on the day. From luxury decorations to aesthetically pleasing food, it was truly the wedding of the year. Isioma was overjoyed and I did not expect anything less. After all it was a wedding planned by high-end vendors. The creme de la crème of the society, the so-called Lagos big boys and girls were all in attendance. Everything was perfect, just as Isioma wanted it. 

Two months after the wedding, Isioma called Titi, Chidinma and I to meet up for our usual Sunday lunch. I was glad to see the girls again. We had suspended our meetings after the wedding to give the newly weds some time to themselves. The thought of meeting up with the ladies reminded me of the week Isioma got engaged. We talked about a lot of things including the usual; work, life and men. Isioma did not hesitate to wave her fingers at anyone that cared to notice. I couldn’t blame her as Emeka asked her to marry him with a dazzling 15 – carat diamond ring. It was huge, it was detailed…it was a rock! She could not stop talking about how she wanted her big day to turn out. “My wedding must be on point ladies…it will be the wedding of the year”. I was genuinely happy for her. After all she gave up everything to ensure that “Attah” replaced her last name. She compromised her values and turned a deaf ear and a blind eye on countless occasions to keep him in her claws. She became an entirely different person to the one that I knew before Emeka came along.  Whatever the case may be, Isioma was satisfied. After years of trying, she fit perfectly into Emeka’s box and won the race against other women. At last, she was Mrs Attah.

I was excited to meet the ladies and most importantly, the new bride. “Isioma na you be this? Emeka must be taking care of you” Titi said. Isioma chuckled and blushed at the laurels we showered on her. I could not stop gazing at her. Nothing changed except for her demeanour. She used to be very optimistic but now she seemed distant and paranoid. I guess marriage was taking a toll on her. I did not expect her to divulge as much secrets as she did in the past. She now had more responsibilities; a home to build, a husband to tend to and unborn children to plan for. Immediately the waiter approached us with the bill, Titi stood up to get her purse from the car and beckoned on Chidinma to escort her as she sensed a short young man that wasn’t her type staring at her. “How is Emeka” I asked, “He’s fine jare…he seems to be taking a liking to tennis” Isioma said. I was surprised, as Emeka never had an interest in any sport that wasn’t football. He was a fanatical supporter of Barcelona FC. I remembered the days that Isioma purchased customised Barcelona FC jerseys with her name and Emeka’s printed at the back and the nights she sacrificed her sleep to watch late night match highlights despite the fact that she hated football. I knew my friend well and trusted her to take up tennis as a new hobby. 

When Titi and Chidinma returned, I asked what the ladies were up to for the Easter holiday as I planned to spend every bit of it with my family in Abuja.” Mike wants us to spend Easter with his parents in Ghana” Titi said. We sensed another proposal coming soon and teased her. On the other hand, Chidinma planned to focus on work in order to impress her married boss, Duke. Somehow I felt sorry for her not because she was having an affair with him, but because there was so much going on in her life yet it seemed stagnant. He had a family and a business that was blooming while she lived to please him and was at his beck and call. I have always known Chidinma to be “a go getter” and I admired that quality about her. She never took no for an answer and I could not judge her. She truly loved him and lived in denial. “She has the ring and I have his heart,” she would say occasionally and I often wondered what Duke did to have her wrapped around him. One thing was certain; it was a pitiful situation to be in. “Isioma what about you?” I asked. After a long pause she said, “He has this three day conference to attend in Abuja”. Silence engulfed us.

To be continued...

Loretta Laoye

CODE OF SILENCE

We all have that one person we tell anything and everything to and because letting out what we keep in can be therapeutic, we often hold nothing back. We have grown accustomed to the saying, "a problem shared is half solved" but what happens when a problem is shared with the wrong person? I have heard stories about friends betraying trusts by saying things they were not authorised to say. Sometimes, the problems do not necessarily lie in what has been said, but  in who it's been said to. We often underestimate the dangers of not handling information appropriately and the benefits of conveying it to the right recipient. I have witnessed businesses collapse, marriages end and friendships broken from the inappropriate use of information.

"The most valuable commodity I know of is information" - Gordon Gekko (Wall Street)

A few months back, before the pandemic, my boss instructed me to work on a "confidential" project. This was unusual and different from the previous projects I handled as I had to withhold information from fellow staff in my unit. I was not permitted to discuss the assignment with staff who were not authorised to have information about it regardless of their grade or status. I realised that my boss had a level of trust in me and the onus was on me to handle diligently and execute to perfection. In the cause of working on the project, my attention was drawn to the delegation of assignments in my unit and I discovered that there was a pattern; various projects were assigned based on the perceived ability to adequately handle. I thought about the qualities and skills I possessed and the behaviours I must have exhibited to warrant such a privilege.

Once a project is completed, it is filed accordingly and classified; General, Confidential or Secret for adequate preservation of information and to ensure that the content is accessible to those authorised to view it. The same can be applied to our relationships and the manner in which we handle personal information. How much information about yourself do you give out? does everyone have access to them? do you protect the ones that can cause potential harm if found in the wrong hands? 

I believe that in order to maximise relationships, they should be classified based on the information that you are willing to share with the various parties. 

It is important to analyse your relationships because it reveals the strengths and weaknesses of the various parties concerned and enables you to reflect on yours as well. What information are people willing to share with you? what do you do with the information that you are privy to? can you be trusted with sensitive information? 

We should note that specific information are not meant for everyone as some people may lack the ability to handle certain information. In other words, everything that we say is not meant for everyone. Think twice before you share information especially when it is valuable and if in doubt, "Do not tell secrets to those whose faith and silence you have not already tested" - Elizabeth I

Loretta Laoye

JOURNEY





Have you ever wondered why the first attempt at driving almost ends up a disaster? Have you wondered why something that seems so easy requires several lessons in order to master the act?
Truth is, you will certainly not get it right the first time, may make a life threatening manoeuvre the second time or get hurt the third.

I started driving in 2004, I was 14 at the time and had a cute Volkswagen golf to practice with. I was excited to begin and thought the learning process would be seamless. Driving seemed effortless and if people could do it, surely I could without hassle (so I thought). I felt in charge, after all it was my car and I was behind the wheel. In a bid to take control without putting into cognisance the dangers of driving unprepared, I made wrong turns, jumped some lights, bumped into a few poles and prayed to God that I would not crash.

With each lesson, I was more willing to adhere to instructions. Over time, my grip grew firmer, I made better judgements and eventually became a certified driver. Notwithstanding, the car was a wreck but each dent held a significant lesson.

Mistakes are inevitable and the beauty about learning from them is that you become better at what you do. They are a constant reminder of misjudgements and wrong decisions made. Most importantly, they highlight areas that require improvement.

Success is great but failure is instrumental to growth. We often focus on the numerous things we do right and pay little to no attention to the things we do wrong. Like my Volkswagen golf, there may be dents in your life that will always remind you of your mistakes and if you intend to be in control, embrace them, learn from them and use them as tools to guide you through your journey in life.


Loretta Laoye

Life; "Your Platform for Legacy"

"We don't have control of when we die...but we have control over how we want to be remembered"

I came across this quote on one of my Netflix & Chill dates. I could not help but ponder on and seek deeper meaning into the great gift of existence; life.

We are all privileged to have life. Unfortunately, not everyone is privileged enough to maximise the gift and leave a lasting positive impact in the world. The saying "when there is life, there is hope" simply explains that the opportunities to live and create such impact even after we are gone, are endless.

I like to view life as an opportunity to showcase your skills and talents on a stage with a large audience and limited time. As for the impression you leave behind; the parts of you they take with them after the show and long after you are gone is known to be your legacy.

While growing up, I perceived life from a selfish point of view and like many others, I lived with the "it's my life and I'll live it how I deem fit" mentality. Over time, I have adopted a more selfless approach because I have come to realise that for every word spoken and for every action taken, there is someone watching, being inspired, learning and basically being impacted.

We all have different ideologies of life and various ways to live it. Either way, we get caught up in the dynamics which bring about failure and success, hate and love, war and peace, religion and atheism. While we are living, it is important to leave a legacy as that is all that is left of us when we are gone. When my father passed on, it became more apparent that nobody takes their memories created,works and worldly possessions with them. It is all left behind.

There are a few aspects of life I feel that if one masters, their legacy can be assured.

Dream Big and aspire. However stupid or unrealistic your dreams may seem, remember that they are valid. Sometimes dreams can only be comprehended by the bearers due to the passion they wield. Once it becomes a success, it is understood by others.

Be Intentional about your actions and inactions. Like the performer on the stage, what memories do you want etched in the hearts of your audience?

Inspire with the words you utter. As the saying goes, "A tongue may have no bones, but it can break a heart". In the same manner, positive words are like water to a planted seed. They nourish the soul and provide hope to those in need.

When you identify what you want to be remembered for, do not give up. Persist until your purpose is fulfilled. The 99 times you failed can only account for those 99 times. They cannot account for the 1 time that you may succeed. My father often said "I made something out of nothing...what can you make out of something?".

We have all been given something; life. What can we make out of it? What will we leave behind? Your life after life is your legacy. How do you wish to be remembered?


Loretta Laoye

Edited by Sophi Odeyale

A Time When...

I remember being born into a time when life seemed less complicated; A time when we were  more conversant with our neighbours' houses than we were with ours. A time when it took a village to raise a child because our fences were not too high for morals to get in. A time when a stranger's problems strangely became ours and vice versa. A time when presence was essential in communicating and people were more “physically” connected. A time when calculators did not displace mental arithmetic and man's ability to think. A time when it was unacceptable to be educated and intellectually lazy. A time when people were not indifferent and fought to preserve what was right. 

The late Chinue Achibe narrated an even lesser complicated but more passionate era in his book "There was a Country";  A time when our institutions hardly produced half-baked graduates. A time when academic qualifications could be defended by their owners. A time when employers searched for qualified graduates and not the other way round. A time when meritocracy was encouraged and unemployment was minimal. A time when there was prestige in the value of our currency. A time when wisdom in the counsel of elders was valued. A time when legacy was the reason for a man's existence. An era where people were passionate about what they believed in and saw dignity in dying for a just cause. 

Now...we live in an era where  "hi" and "lol" are an indication that our loved ones are doing fine. We have become a generation that will not seek for solutions to the stranger's problems but will ensure it's the next trending news online. A generation that allows trends to be a distraction from the real issues that affect us. A generation that is almost totally dependent on devices to connect and technology to survive. It's frightening to think that my kids require devices (phones, tabs...) to keep still as opposed to discipline. A generation that has little to no respect for authority. Over time, the art of communication has diminished and values placed on our natural abilities to connect, coexist and survive, misplaced.   

Just as a phone call takes away the longing for the letters that take forever to get delivered, the sincerity that cannot be hidden in a face to face conversation and the memories that a simple touch can create, this era takes away the spice of life and leaves us disconnected in ways that we may never imagine...it leaves us in touch but not in tune...






Loretta Laoye

The Box (Episode 1)

Isioma and Emeka’s wedding was the talk of the town. Weeks had gone by and it remained on the lips of people that were not even present on the day. From luxury decorations to aesthetically pleasing food, it was truly the wedding of the year. Isioma was overjoyed and I did not expect anything less. After all it was a wedding planned by high-end vendors. The creme de la crème of the society, the so-called Lagos big boys and girls were all in attendance. Everything was perfect, just as Isioma wanted it. 

Two months after the wedding, Isioma called Titi, Chidinma and I to meet up for our usual Sunday lunch. I was glad to see the girls again. We had suspended our meetings after the wedding to give the newly weds some time to themselves. The thought of meeting up with the ladies reminded me of the week Isioma got engaged. We talked about a lot of things including the usual; work, life and men. Isioma did not hesitate to wave her fingers at anyone that cared to notice. I couldn’t blame her as Emeka asked her to marry him with a dazzling 15 – carat diamond ring. It was huge, it was detailed…it was a rock! She could not stop talking about how she wanted her big day to turn out. “My wedding must be on point ladies…it will be the wedding of the year”. I was genuinely happy for her. After all she gave up everything to ensure that “Attah” replaced her last name. She compromised her values and turned a deaf ear and a blind eye on countless occasions to keep him in her claws. She became an entirely different person to the one that I knew before Emeka came along.  Whatever the case may be, Isioma was satisfied. After years of trying, she fit perfectly into Emeka’s box and won the race against other women. At last, she was Mrs Attah.

I was excited to meet the ladies and most importantly, the new bride. “Isioma na you be this? Emeka must be taking care of you” Titi said. Isioma chuckled and blushed at the laurels we showered on her. I could not stop gazing at her. Nothing changed except for her demeanour. She used to be very optimistic but now she seemed distant and paranoid. I guess marriage was taking a toll on her. I did not expect her to divulge as much secrets as she did in the past. She now had more responsibilities; a home to build, a husband to tend to and unborn children to plan for. Immediately the waiter approached us with the bill, Titi stood up to get her purse from the car and beckoned on Chidinma to escort her as she sensed a short young man that wasn’t her type staring at her. “How is Emeka” I asked, “He’s fine jare…he seems to be taking a liking to tennis” Isioma said. I was surprised, as Emeka never had an interest in any sport that wasn’t football. He was a fanatical supporter of Barcelona FC. I remembered the days that Isioma purchased customised Barcelona FC jerseys with her name and Emeka’s printed at the back and the nights she sacrificed her sleep to watch late night match highlights despite the fact that she hated football. I knew my friend well and trusted her to take up tennis as a new hobby. 

When Titi and Chidinma returned, I asked what the ladies were up to for the Easter holiday as I planned to spend every bit of it with my family in Abuja.” Mike wants us to spend Easter with his parents in Ghana” Titi said. We sensed another proposal coming soon and teased her. On the other hand, Chidinma planned to focus on work in order to impress her married boss, Duke. Somehow I felt sorry for her not because she was having an affair with him, but because there was so much going on in her life yet it seemed stagnant. He had a family and a business that was blooming while she lived to please him and was at his beck and call. I have always known Chidinma to be “a go getter” and I admired that quality about her. She never took no for an answer and I could not judge her. She truly loved him and lived in denial. “She has the ring and I have his heart,” she would say occasionally and I often wondered what Duke did to have her wrapped around him. One thing was certain; it was a pitiful situation to be in. “Isioma what about you?” I asked. After a long pause she said, “He has this three day conference to attend in Abuja”. Silence engulfed us.

To be continued...

Loretta Okpuno

Transit

“How we transition in the face of change, determines the linearity and acceleration of our growth” – Sophie Oduyale

There are times in our lives where we are faced with the opportunity to experience something new that may present itself in the form of a new environment, job or even a relationship. And it has come to my attention that we sometimes struggle to take on these new challenges due to the fear of the unknown, myself included.

It is of course human nature to react hostilely towards the prospect of change, especially when it involves removing ourselves from our comfort zone but one thing we must recognise is that change is inevitable and as such we have been engineered with an innate instinctive to adapt to change over a period of time. I remember as a 14 year old being told by my parents that we were moving to a new country, leaving all we had behind – friends, family and so on. This news erupted a mixture of emotions inside of me; as a youngster I was excited about the likelihood of making new friends and possibly having more opportunities in life but at the same time, the prospects of living in another man’s land for possibly the rest of my life left me feeling overwhelmed. With questions such as how will I fit in? What will people think of me? Lingering over my thoughts.   

My point is in the face of change; we are left excited or overwhelmed either singularly or simultaneously.  And sometimes we begin to question whether the risk is worth taking.

What makes us stand out is how we deal with what we are faced with, do we welcome it with an open heart or do we shy away because we are afraid of letting go and experiencing that which is new. How do you transition from your comfort zone to something that is greater? How will you experience the beauty of life if you remain set in your ways, unwilling to explore and experience?

Have you been in that place where you say to yourself my life seems to be dull....Well what are you doing about it? Are you taking on new challenges or merely just sulking away?

The point is we have all been presented with so many life opportunities that may have paved the way for bigger life opportunities but in our fear, we have let these opportunities slip away and so we remain the same, living in the cocoon of our comfort not realising that life is passing us by, not realising that we are imprisoning ourselves from growing emotionally, spiritually, characteristically.

How do we expect to grow, if we don’t take up these challenges? Not every challenge or opportunity we are presented with, will yield great success or fulfilment but if we don’t take that chance, how will we ever know. How do we learn, grow or even help others?

The importance of welcoming change is that we learn a lot about ourselves especially when we embrace it with an open heart. We sure will make mistakes as no one is perfect but in lieu that we learn from them, we become better persons with greater knowledge. As such, we have the ability to share our experiences with others in order to encourage them in their life journey.

Ergo, the next time you are faced with a challenge don’t hide in fear but rather ponder on this quote and ultimately, take that leap of faith.

Sophie Oduyale